The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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