I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize