Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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