Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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