Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Randomize
