I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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