u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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