Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
