Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize