I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
