Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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