So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
