end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
