I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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