Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Boobs speak an international language.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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