You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
