This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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