my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
