i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
