dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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