remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
