dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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