I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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