These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
