My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
