I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
