All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
