Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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