Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just found a bag of teeth...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
