so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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