Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
