i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
