So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
