Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
