we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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