Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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