So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
