I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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