actually, I'm a sock model
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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