two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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