Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
