Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
