So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
