omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
