He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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