I wannas sexs uuuuu
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
