if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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