Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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