Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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