mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
