Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
