he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
