I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
