dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
