she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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