i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
