she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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