Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
