I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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