I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
