You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
